I am Loved!

I’ve been struggling to forgive certain people in my life who once meant so much to me and had hurt me unintentionally. In this 1 year plus, I had prayed like crazy, cried and beg God to help me let it go. The times when I feel like I want to tear my hair out wondering what’s wrong with me, why can’t I just let it go?!?!

I want to and I’m willing but no matter how hard I work at it, I still feel the sting whenever I see these people. I feel like it’s such a torture to live with such pain in my life. I know others had it worse, but I do hate this feeling. That said, I do treasure these friendships, and I still hope that it’ll workout.

I met my Pastor for lunch last week. I shared that with him and how much it’s taking a toll on me emotionally & spiritually since my Dad passed on and even more now since my Uncle passed too. You know, sometimes when you are at a place in your life when you know that you needed support the most, somehow things happened the other way around. And you end up even more wounded then helped. Please, understand in anyway that I am in no way pin pointing or blaming. Just pouring my heart out and perhaps some of you out there might be able to identify with what I’m sharing.

But what caught me by surprise was when he share something that I felt like I needed very much to hear. Here it goes…

He briefly quoted Philip Yancey, “pain is a gift from God.” As he had listened to me, he concluded that maybe in the first place it isn’t about forgiving, because he knows that forgiving isn’t the issue for me. God knows that I am more then willing and I want to let it go because I cherish those friendships still. I surely can trust that He can and will help me work that out. But with the understanding that pain is a gift from God, and that if we had traded it with anything else, somehow what we receive from experiencing that pain and hurt cannot be substituted with something else. Nothing produces that kind of fruit Pain bears.

Instantly, something clicked within me. As I think about what it means when he says pain is a gift from God, does it mean I need to move from pushing the hurt and pain away by trying to forgive, to embracing that pain? Suddenly I understood how it was okay to feel that pain, that anger, feel that hurt and cry. But, the essence of it all is how you eventually choose to face it and deal with it.

Some people vent it out on others, some keep it within them until they can’t take it anymore, some sweep them under the carpet pretend nothing happened. While still there are some who would choose to find someone trusted, talk about it and let it sink in. After which, choose to release themselves of the pain a step at a time whenever they are ready and have God help to forgive. Because, honestly, only God can help us to forgive. It has never been possible for us human to do forgiveness, it’s just not in us. My natural instincts is to hold on to it and seek revenge. I want to see the person have a taste of their own medicine. But, we never realise that actually, the person we’re holding prisoner is ourselves. I realise that when I choose to forgive, I free my own soul. That’s why, forgiveness and reconciliation is so vital in every relationship, friendship, marriage etc.

It was almost like God speaking though my Pastor, answering my prayers long uttered to Him to help me understand what is this that I can’t seem to put my finger on. I know that embracing it would be the most difficult thing and I really would want to run away because the last I want to is to come face to face with pain. Oh the thought of it! But you know, I realise I was so desperate for an answer, I felt more relieved then anything else. By then of course, I was all in tears and already had a pile of tissue in front of me and you know why! And I though that was good.

I saw another side of pain and hurt today. It almost felt like, from today on I can see it as my friend. And it takes God’s grace and company daily to include this new realised “friend” as part of my life. Don’t you think I owe my maturity and who I can be today to this “friend”? Of course, God being the one guiding my heart in perspective. Sounds weird but that’s how I see it. heh…

But if I can choose, sure I’d prefer not to have pain in my life. I’d love to smile and be happy everyday, but what would happiness be without understanding what pain is? What would treasures (family and friends) be, without experiencing loss? Who would know how to love, without a man dying on the cross for our sins (hatred, greed, selfishness etc)? And it is precisely there are days so tearful and painful, there WILL BE beautiful moments of dear ones coming alongside if we allow, journeying those tough times with us that relationships blossom. Without pain, what would all these beautiful things be to us? All glory to my Dear Lord Jesus Christ who loves me so unceasingly. What can I say?

Your thoughts on learning to embrace pain in life? And extending forgiveness?